Friday, 20 January 2012

No place for me, no good place to be

Today is awful. It is the period in between what would have been Dr P's 88th birthday and the anniversary of his death in a month. I am sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself. Sad, depressed, fearful, and aware that I am not a real part of anyone's life, except for being a bit of a nuisance. I wanted to go away to see family for a few days, but everyone is busy with other things, and I cringe about having to ask for a bed. Everyone is working, busy, holidaying or away. Too busy to talk on the telephone.

I am terrified that at the last minute my brother in law won't be able to come here for the mediation in a few weeks. That despite plans something will crop up, and I will be alone on the day. And that all will fail, that all the struggle will have been for nothing.

Indecision about my future is paralysing me. I feel I have been away from places for too long and that I would be incapable of building a new life yet again. I don't know what to do, or how to do it. All my coping mechanisms have fled or gone on strike. I cannot be brave or hopeful any more.

11 comments:

Isabelle said...

Oh dear. I'm so sorry. I'm sure things will work out and I'm sure lots of people love you. But I'm sorry you feel so bad. What you need is a cat (maybe. If you don't mind having your furniture shredded and not being able to go on holiday without making complicated arrangements).

I hope you feel happier soon. You have really had such a rotten time for several years. No wonder you feel sad.

Poppy said...

Where you are at is a very uncomfortable painful place to be. I understand the feeling of not wanting to impose on others (asking for a bed). I tend to shy away from others if I am down. Missing your husband and trying to figure out what your life is supposed to look like now has you overwhelmed I'm sure. Have faith in yourself dear lady. And know that even though your loved ones may seem too busy at times, if they know you need them, I'll bet they'd jump to be there for you. You write beautifully and even though I just discovered your blog, the little I've read feels very meaningful. If that makes any sense! Take good care of yourself and remember to be your own best friend. Give yourself permission to be cowardly sometimes! You don't have to be brave all of the time!

Lynley said...

I've just discovered your blog too and you write so well, I feel as though I'm with you. I don't know much about grief, but I do know depression, and I know that bad days happen, and quite often the next day is better. (And I also know that people saying that is absolutely flaming useless!!)

Elisabeth said...

I hope that by the time you read this, Persiflage that things feel better, if not that they improve soon. It's awful to feel so abandoned and to feel the door shut in your face at every turn. Anniversaries are such powerful times. Not only do you have to deal with sad memories, grief and loss you also have to keep going on in a changed and seemingly emptier world. My thoughts are with you.

Molly said...

Dear Persi! So sorry you're feeling so sad and discouraged. I'm sure your brother-in-law will come through, but even if he doesn't, have faith in your own abilities. You are smart and strong and have right on your side. Hugs from Molly

Frogdancer said...

Yes you can! Have a good cry, then have a good sleep. Works wonders for me...
xxx

Jenny Woolf said...

I am sorry you feel so bad. I hope that by now the clouds have cleared a little from your sky. You have had a pretty rough time, and sometimes it all catches up.

We have a neighbour whom I suspect is feeling a bit like you. Today I shall go around and see if there is anything I can do. People in "real life" often keep their facade up and it can be hard to glimpse what is underneath.

Blogging is a good thing n many ways, and this is one of them, that you are not alone.

VioletSky said...

Oh, Persiflage, I am sorry to hear when you are having such bad days. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy when we feel this way and let our imagination go completely out of control.

You are not a nuisance. You are simply YOU.

The Elephant's Child said...

Hi. Followed you home. Sometimes tears need to be shed - I view them as toxins to clear. And grief is an unkind person who pokes sharp sticks in our eyes. I hope the grief eases up for you soon.

Frances said...

"I am not a real part of anyone's life". You are not only the real, but the whole part of YOUR life, Persiflage: a valuable life you have made rich with learning, working, child rearing, nurturing,singing, cooking, crochet, reading, analysing, all your inputs. There is no doubt at all that your children love and value you hugely, I'm sure you will agree. As you labour through these awful difficulties, I would think that you will become a fine role model of overcoming adversity for the grandbabies.
But I know the feeling as if one is just a satellite orbiting around little contained family worlds, hoping for landing signals from those you love.
The women whom I know who cope best play bridge, Persiflage, which I do not. But I can see the social, disciplinary and stimulating qualities of it - and, they say one can play it anywhere in the world. I should take my own recommendation.
Step by step is so hard when you not only don't know, but fear the destination.
Julian of Norwich: All is well and all is well and all will be well.
I wish you courage, and am thinking of you.

persiflage said...

Thank you all so much, Isabelle, Poppy, Lynley, Elisabeth, Molly, Froggie, Jenny Woolf, VioletSky, the Elephant's child, and Frances, for your comments. They have all helped me, given me comfort, and provided me with some more strength to clamber out of this trough. It won't be the last one, alas, but I will try to look forward rather than backwards.
As for bridge, I do not have that sort of mind. Dr P and many of his friends played constantly and excelled at it, but I find singing, writing and learning are all much better for me.