Thursday, 29 January 2009

This sad week

It has been such a sad week, since my friend J died. His wife is dealing bravely with her grief, and there will be a memorial gathering this weekend. J did not want eulogies, or formalities, and his wishes are being respected. I will fly there and back for the day, and am considering choices of music, and I am listening to music which which to me expresses grief, mourning and love, and enables these feelings to be truly experienced and acknowledged. 

I hope that some time soon I can visit my friend again, and have some quiet time with her. When and if she feels like it.

Other friends and I have been trying to help spread the news around, and to keep information flowing. And we are all trying to deal with death.

We must do this, to remember that in the midst of life is death. And that despite death, life does go on. It is not the same, never the same, and we cannot always make sense of it all. We have to absorb the reality of death, to understand its finality, and to hold onto our memories, to remember those we loved, and to do what we can to console the living. 

Funerals and memorial services and gatherings help us to understand, to absorb the reality, to bring our grief to the surface, to help us to mourn, and to allow us to comfort each other. Even if the comfort is limited, any comfort is worthwhile and helpful. People - family and friends, want to reach out and help and comfort. Thus we maintain and strengthen the bonds of our love and friendships.

My friend has her memories of an extremely happy marriage, and these will help her. But nothing changes the reality that her darling is dead. While I ache for her, I envy her those happy memories of their life together, as my own experiences have been different in so many ways. She is a brave and strong person, so I know her life will go on  in positive ways.

But in the meantime we all grieve.


Mary said...

I remember the best thing a friend said to my sister after my father died - that when six months had passed and other people had assumed that the grieving was done, she would be there for my sister.

Wise words I thought.


molly said...

This struck very close to home as my 89 yr. old mother-in-law is getting weaker by the minute, fading away to a wisp of what she used to be. It makes me ache not to be able to make it easy for her. "I never knew it would be so hard to die," she says often. Sorry for your friend's loss [yours too.] She'll be so glad to have your shoulder after everyone else drifts away.

molly said...
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Pam said...

Oh dear. How very sad.

Rhubarb Whine said...

Sympathies of the loss, from me and mine.

(Pleeeeease enable open ID for wordpress users... please...)

Anonymous said...

You did, indeed. Very clever :) (Thank you so much!)