Saturday, 22 December 2012

A moan

Back home after the trip for the family gathering, I am feeling very alone, and not part of anything or anyone's life. Inevitable, after so many years living far away from most of the family. My attempts to say to my sisters that I wished they had visited me, in the almost two years since Dr P's death, (except for the occasion of his funeral), did not meet with any positive responses. They regularly visit our older sister, with dementia, who lives closer to them, and who does have her husband and other family nearby, but it seems that visiting me is too far, too expensive, too inconvenient. and not important. I feel that I have had to put in more effort than they have done. And yes, I am jealous.

I can see all the reasons why this is so, and will remain so, but I like it none the better for all that.There seems nothing I can do to change it, or to communicate better, so I feel like giving up and becoming quite reclusive. I suppose that Christmas makes one feel more alone and vulnerable.  Simply saying that none of them had visited me in these two years did not bring about a sympathetic response. Too far, too busy, could not afford fares, too many other commitments, etcetera.

When people have asked whether I would move away from here, it does seem to me that re-establishing myself elsewhere would be very difficult. Making a new life elsewhere, at this stage of life, seems too difficult.

So I am sunk in sadness and depression. And self-pity. And I know that I just have to make the best of it. As a widow, I realise I am not important to anyone any more. I am, I hope, a realist, but it does not taste any better for all that. Time to toughen up, it seems, and to build a more effective shell. And to get on with my life, and to cut myself off from such negative feelings.

I will try.


Anonymous said...

Well, a comment from a total stranger: I just discovered your blog a few days ago, and have enjoyed reading it very much. I, too, am lonely - while not a widow, I spent most of my day alone, trying to build a business, while my husband works. I have always had a tendency to be a loner, much like my father was, but still - there are times when I feel like the only person on the planet, and I don't like it. There are times when great roiling sobs come out of my mouth and it shocks me. Please, hang in there. Somebody you've never met is glad you're there.

Jan said...

I agree with Shiftclick. I'm glad you're there, too.

I think it's a really difficult time of year, with all the "Ho ho ho" stuff and the "but of course you'll be hosting a multi-generational party with aplomb and style".

Take care of yourself; you write beautifully and what you say touches the heart.

Jan x

Elephant's Child said...

And I am echoing the other comments. Your are important, and perhaps it is time to think about a new family. The family you choose. People you sing with, knit with, read with... People who will value you for who you are. Sending hugs.
And yes, this is such a hard time of year for so many of us.

VioletSky said...

This is an especially difficult time of year, with so many people (and the media, especially) going on and on about happy, loving families gathering together...
I have never been married, so cannot relate to your kind of aloneness, and I do prefer to be on my own, but still, I long for that family togetherness. I live a relatively short distance from mine and it could be an easy day's visit, but although I have done it many times, it is always seems to be too much trouble for those at the other end. And, I work nights on top of it. I have given up inviting them to come to me as it hurts too much to be rebuffed, or to hear the empty promises.
Living near, however does not guarantee anything either. I once moved to a slightly undesirable apartment because it was within walking distance to my brother's family who I knew was planning to move out of town. Not once, in the year I lived there, did they stop in - and they would have passed my house every day in order to get to work or shopping, etc.
You sound like you have a good community of friends where you are living and I envy you that. I have very few friends who live in the same city as I and I must travel to visit my good friends as well as my family.
I am going to have a glass of wine, now... will you join me?

VioletSky said...

rereading this, you could be forgiven thinking I had already started on the wine.
atrocious punctuation!!

Frances said...

Persiflage: Like all the others, I wish I could offer you a solution but of course I can't.
Do take care of yourself. And indulge yourself. And have a happy 25th.
You are a warm and interesting and talented woman, who has spent her adult life, as far as I can see, caring for other people.
Do you know that, with a senior card you can travel all over NSW, outside the metropolitan area, for $2.50 a section? Of course they make the "metropolitan area" stretch very wide - down to Moss Vale on the Southern Line, eg. I've thought it might be quite a fun project to see how much you could see at $2.50 a time. Bathurst to Broken Hill? Exeter to Wentworth? Hornsby to Byron Bay?
Just a thought.
Best wishes, Persiflage. And, happy Christmas.