My emotions continue to fluctuate from week to week, from day to day, and from hour to hour. I still feel a lot of anger and resentment, both towards him, and towards his children. I still grieve, and have many regrets, wondering how I should have led my life, and how much better I should, or could, have done. Perhaps all these feelings will recede, and there will be a more complete recovery, but I know there will always be regrets, and feelings of 'if only'.
I cannot express myself very well here. Will it be possible to recover, to become more positive, to heal, when there are so many negative feelings swirling around? To what extent can recovery occur, given that I am alone, and have entered into the last years of my life?
If it were possible to live one's life again, would it be possible to do it better, to love more fully, to choose more wisely and more generously, to do unto others as I would be done by? What mistakes could be avoided?
Oftentimes I feel that both my marriages were mistakes, that my parenting has been defective, and that my virtues and better qualities were cramped, confined, twisted, embittered, and that any promise of any kind that I showed came to naught, or if not that, to far, far less than I anticipated or hoped. One can find excuses, blame society, religion, parents, partners, blind chances and misfortunes, but I cannot avoid my own choices, my personal mistakes, and character defects and all their consequences. And I do not have it within me, yet, or perhaps ever, to forgive many of the wrongs done to me during these last years.
I have done what I should have done in these last years and during Dr P's decline, illness and death, and endeavour constantly to overcome my failings and to face my future. But my heart remains sore, and I feel very daunted.