Saturday, 31 December 2011

Addio al passato

As the evening moves inexorably to night, to the midnight when the New Year commences, I sit feverishly urging it on. Haste, haste. It cannot come soon enough for me. Let it be over.

It has been an absolutely awful year, and I long to be rid of it, and hope fervently that 2012 will be better.  Not that this can be certain, of course.

I hope I will cease to plummet to the depths of emotion, that the swings into the abysses of sorrow, grief, rage, resentment, self-pity, exhaustion, and stringent endeavours will all diminish, and that from all of this will emerge a better future, a happier person, with hope and resolution to make the best of my remaining years, alone.

There have been so many times when I have absolutely doubted my capacity to emerge from this morass of emotions, this buffeting of competing emotions, this negation of life, this almost despair at ever emerging into the light, this forced immersion into the world of bereavement. Can it ever end? Should one just hope never to wake?

Oh no, today is not a good day. Tomorrow shall, must, be better. A new dawn, a new year. The flux of the seasons must allow and encourage the natural progression of life, from birth, to death, and to greet the future with whatever hope I can gather to my heart. Surely the New Year will be better. Once I get past the first anniversary.

While I have had a lot of support from family and friends, for which I am truly grateful, essentially one must bear things alone.

There has been a constant progression of people walking into this peninsula, to watch the fireworks, firstly at 9 pm, and then again at midnight, to bring in the New Year. I walked up to the roundabout a block away, to watch the first fireworks. We can see across to the Harbour Bridge, and there is always a substantial gathering of people, with many children sitting on the shoulders of their parents. People can enter by foot or by bus, but car traffic is confined to locals. There will be bus traffic out, and many people will walk out again. There are sirens wailing.

A Happy New Year to all.


Relatively Retiring said...

Happy, better New Year, Persiflage. Thinking of you.

Vagabonde said...

I send you my sincere wishes for a much better year – that 2012 be good to you and gives you some joy and fun.

Pam said...

And from me too. Let our chins be up. I hope that this time next year, your practical problems at least will be resolved satisfactorily.

Friko said...

I do so hope that the new year will bring you peace of mind.
Best wishes for 2012.

Meggie said...

I hope that 2012 will be much better for you, (and myself).
I know just how you feel on the awful roundabout of highs and lows. There are times when I despair of ever emerging out the other side of it all~if there is another side. I am still battling with pain and problems with my surgery. I wish I had never had it done, and cant help thinking I was not ready emotionally, to cope with such a horrific surgery, as it has turned out to be.
Hope for some comfort and peace in this new year. Hugs.